In The Noise - January 27, 2010

Great headline in today's L.A. Times

"If Tiger Woods is a sex addict, the treatment will be long and intense"

"Long and Intense", huh? Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?!?

Seriously, though. Tiger is reportedly undergoing therapeutic treatment at an addictions clinic in Mississippi.

I assume we're not talking group-grope therapy.

They say you can't be treated until you acknowledge there's a problem.

"Hi, I'm Tiger Woods and I'm a sex addict."

Oh, man, can you see how easy it would be to fake your way through this??

Change a couple letters and nobody would be the wiser...

..."Hi, I'm Tiger Woods and I'm a sex attic."

They say he's probably spending long days filled with lectures and the 12-step program every patient must endure. And patients must dress a certain way, address each other a certain way and, most importantly, can never touch another patient without permission.

Dress a certain way? Like no more leather and lace? Or no more Nike caps?

Well, I surely wish him a speedy recovery. I'd like to see him get back in the swing of things.

That's "swing" - not "swinger".

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From our "been there, done that" department.

On Monday, when the White House releases the proposed budget for next year, there will be no money for NASA's Constellation program - the one that was supposed to put man back on the moon.

The budget has been slashed. There will be no moon rockets, no lunar landers, no moon bases, no lunar program at all.

'Reminds me of a book I once read as a child: "Goodnight, Moon"

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Well, I suppose I must put in my two cents (or $499) on Apple's new product announcement.

Today, Steve Jobs unveiled a new device that's half-smartphone and half-computer...with a dash of feminine hygiene thrown into the mix.

I mean why else would they call it an iPad?

(Believe me, all of geekdom is guffawing at Apple's moniker for this device!)

But what gets me is that it looks like one of those crazy-huge TV remotes you see for sale at the drugstore - "As Seen on TV", you know?

Hmmm...drugstore. There's that feminine hygiene angle, again.

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I may be hearing things, but Reuters reports today that nearly one in ten seven- to eight-year-old children hear voices that aren't really there. That's according to a new study out of the Netherlands.

The scientist who ran the study says that parents whose children hear voices should not be overly concerned. "In most cases the voices will just disappear. I would advise parents to reassure their child and to watch him or her closely."

Good advice. If the voices don't disappear, the children might!

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You may remember that Universal Studios' theme park attraction, King Kong, burned down during the 2008 backlot fire. Well, it's coming back in the late Spring!

"After the 2008 fire, we knew we had to bring him back to the back lot studio tour, but in a way that has never been experienced before," a Universal spokesman said.

So a whole new 3-D Kong is being developed. (More 3-D? Before too long we're going to have to wear glasses from all the eye-strain of wearing...glasses!)

And, get this. You won't only see Kong in three dimensions but also smell his banana breath, feel the gust of wind as he jumps over the guests and sense the ground quake when the ape engages a T-rex in a life-or-death battle.

And that's not to mention the Kong PONG Finale (in 3-D, of course).