In The Noise - January 19, 2010

Thunder, lightning, tornadoes, waterspouts and hail.

I'll just bet Pat Robertson thinks this is what L.A. deserves for NBC's treatment of Conan.

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The City Council has given preliminary approval to a plan that would close most of the hundreds of pot dispensaries in Los Angeles. The ordinance would cap the number of dispensaries at 70 and require the shops to be at least 1,000 feet from schools, parks and other public gathering spots.

I can't believe this.

Will there be signs going up all over town saying, "Mary Jane doesn't live here anymore?"

And what about the poor dispensary owners - are they going to have to "eat" their excess stock? Mangia the ganja???

I'm hoping this whole idea goes up in smoke.

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Speculation is running wild in Geekdom (count me as part of that group)!

Everybody's wondering about Apple's new top-secret product, which will be announced on January 27th.

Right now, we geeks are abuzz about the abstract, paint-splatter design on the press conference invitations that Apple sent out today.

O-o-o-o-o...does the paint splatter MEAN something?!?!

Is it a clue as to what Apple is going to call the new whatever-it-is??

Maybe it's the Apple iPalette!! Or the iCanvas!! Perhaps the iPaintBall!!!!

Even for geeky me, all this guesswork about the splattery invitation is over the top.

Kinda makes me want to iVomit.

WAIT! Maybe that's the name of the new Apple!!!!!!

In The Noise - January 18, 2010

Whoa. Nearly 400 tons of ground beef produced by a California meat packer - some of it nearly two years ago - is being recalled for fear of potentially tainting with deadly E. coli bacterium.

"Some of it nearly TWO YEARS AGO???" I don't think even "Hamburger Helper" can save this situation...

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A couple of days ago, Italian border guards were amazed to discover a 15-year-old Afghan boy hiding inside luggage. During a routine automobile spot check - the boy was found hidden in a zipped suitcase as he tried to illegally enter the country. Officers immediately arrested the Greek driver of the car carrying the suitcase.

Meanwhile, American Tourister has signed the boy to a commercial contract. The gorilla is history.

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In England, a BBC weather forecaster has suggested that the government's weather-forecasting super-computer has a 'warm bias' which has stopped it predicting bitter cold spells like the one they just experienced.

When interrogated about the claim, the super-computer stubbornly put up a cold front. It's future is hazy, at best.

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Closer to home, a San Diego middle school was evacuated when a student's science project was mistaken for an explosive device. The 11-year-old boy was trying to build a motion detector from instructions he found on the internet and with parts he bought online.

Perhaps he should have shopped on a website other than "Amabomb.com"!

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And geeks are abuzz as Apple officially alerted the world today that it is ready to unveil its latest "creation" — on the morning of Jan. 27 (set your iPhones!).

It is expected that the company CEO, Steve Jobs, will show off the latest much-anticipated marvel - a robotic shoe-maker.

Right! The Apple Cobbler.

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Finally, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (Whew! Thank goodness for government acronyms - DARPA) will soon hold its first workshop in support of a flying car program it will begin this year known as the Transformer TX. The goal is to build a flying vehicle that will let soldiers avoid water, difficult terrain, and road obstructions - as well as roadside bombs and ambush threats.

Sounds like a great idea. And I understand it will undergo the most extreme testing in the most harrowing conditions - the L.A. freeway system...in the rain.

In The Noise - January 15, 2010

So what are we supposed to take to recover from tainted Tylenol disease?

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Tiger Woods is reportedly in a Mississippi sex rehab clinic.

I certainly wish him well.

Let's hope that - once he's completed treatment - he will again associate terms like "front nine", "coming over the top" and "holed out" with something other than making whoopie.

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Florida was in the news a week ago when it was hit by very rare snowfalls. In today's headlines, there's "Florida snow" of a different sort.

A bag of cocaine has been found in a Space Shuttle hangar at Kennedy Space Center! To help find the culprit, NASA has brought in drug sniffing dogs (now, there's a nice job!).

And Paul McCartney has been booked to sing, "High High High".

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Elsewhere in Florida, people are freaking out over a new "super snake".

A three-day, state-coordinated hunt has turned up at least five African rock pythons - including a 14-foot-long female.

I guess that in Africa, the rock python eats creatures as large as goats and crocodiles.

Which means Mickey and Donald better watch their backs.

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You remember how Obama pledged that his administration would have complete transparency - you know, openness about things like who meets with the President; details about the health care bill negotiation, et cetera?

Well, on good ol' Vice President Joe Biden's schedule today is a meeting with the chief of transparency for economic recovery.

The meeting is closed to anyone else.

Transparency = clear as mud!

What do you call that...an "open secret"?

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A year after that planeload of people survived the water landing in the middle of the Hudson River, many of them got together today to celebrate the anniversary of their unlikely survival.

No question about it, once you get that feeling you can walk on water...

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It's cold and flu season, which means we Americans are turning to traditional and not-so traditional methods to ward off the beastie bugs. Non-traditional things like taking zinc! (Isn't zinc a metal?)

There are a lot of products out there that contain zinc and claim to boost immunity. And it might work, but researchers also warn there could be nasty side effects if you take too much. Side effects such as memory problems, nerve damage and urinary tract problems.

Not to mention the possibility of turning into a car battery.

In The Noise - January 14, 2010

Okay. We all know our government is inefficient and often ineffective. But have you ever considered why? Too many politicians? Too much bureaucracy? Special interests? Corruption?

None of the above.

The REAL REASON our government is in a shambles was revealed today by Peter Orszag, director of the Office of Management and Budget: crappy old computers.

Yep! As he put it: "One specific source of ineffective and inefficient government is the huge technology gap between the public and private sectors that results in billions of dollars in waste, slow and inadequate customer service and a lack of transparency about how dollars are spent." Oh, goody, so now we know.

Stay tuned for the next major Capitol Hill battle - Mac or PC?

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The TSA sure has had a run of bad luck lately. But, I finally admit that I've got to support ethnic profiling. And all because of Michael W. Hicks.

You see, according to Homeland Security, Mikey Hicks has all the obvious signs of being a suspected terrorist. Yep. He's from New Jersey; he's the son of a U.S. Navy veteran; his mother worked for Newsweek; he wears a Cub Scout uniform and he's eight years-old.

Apparently, Mikey shares the same name as someone on the Homeland Security's high-security "selectee list". So whenever he travels with his family, it an endless hassle that has been going on for years.

At age two, TSA even patted him down at Newark Liberty International Airport!

If I were Mikey, I would have left them a boom boom in my diapers.

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An audit released today reveals that Los Angeles taxpayers are paying close to $3 million a year for nearly 12,000 municipal telephone lines that are no longer in use.

Is this city government's interpretation of "reach out and touch someone"?

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I've heard woosy excuses for a team losing a game, but this takes the cake.

The New York Knicks were in Oklahoma City earlier this week for a game against The Thunder.

For two days prior to the game, several of these seven-foot, 300-pound New York basketball players had trouble sleeping. Why? Because they were convinced that their downtown hotel was haunted.

Jared Jeffries said, "The place is haunted. It's scary."

Eddy Curry claims he slept for only two hours Sunday night because he couldn't stop thinking about ghosts roaming the hotel.

Final score? The Thunder 106, the Knicks 88.

I guess we know who had possession.

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Maybe too many of us are trying to get out of jury duty, 'cause the whole court system is going to the dogs. Well, cats, actually.

You see, this Boston cat, Sal Esposito, has been summoned for jury duty March 23 at Suffolk Superior Court. Hiss-terical, right?

Sal’s owners think he got the call because they listed Sal under "pets" on the last Census form. "I just wrote ‘Sal Esposito’, scratched out the ‘dog,’ and wrote, ‘cat,’” said Anna Esposito.

Here's the best part...

Anna filed a request for Sal’s disqualification of service.

The jury commissioner denied the request.

Come March 23, someone's going to be in a bad mewd!

In The Noise - January 13, 2010

Have you heard? The IRS Commissioner, Douglas Shulman, does not file his own taxes because he thinks the tax code is too complex.

This news is brought to you by H & R Block.

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Has anyone NOT seen "Avatar"? Well, it's certainly stirring up some criticism! There's a Chicago Alderman says the film makes Marines "look like lunatics". Now you gotta understand, this is a sci-fi flick about an army of mercenaries that invades the idyllic planet called Pandora and attacks the peaceful blue people who live there in order to steal a precious mineral. Got it? Blue People? Mercenaries? Fiction? There has to be more to worry about in Chicago about than this!!!

Unbelievably, even the Vatican newspaper has gone on the record - calling Avatar "godless". Blame it on the blue people.

(Man! Talk about Pandora's box!)

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Google is hacked-off that it got hacked in China - and is now threatening to pull their internet plug out of the country. In sympathy, restaurants all over China are now serving a new dish - Moo Google Gai Pan.

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An Egyptian archaeological team led by Dr. Zahi Hawass has discovered several new tombs of the ancient workers who built the pyramids. These tombs apparently disprove the previous theory that the workers were slaves.

Of course, they weren't slaves. They were teamsters!

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Heads-up, Florida! It's been so cold in the Sunshine State that iguanas have been going into hibernation and falling out of trees. Seriously! A news crew actually filmed it happening. Poor reporter. I can just imagine the assignment editor saying: "Frank, you cover the truck accident on Route 4. Linda, the school protest in Boca Raton and Jerry, go find a falling iguana..."

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Finally, speaking about exotic animals... Scientists have discovered a green sea slug appears to be part animal, part plant. This aberration is caused by the sneaky slugs stealing genes from algae that they've eaten.

The good news is that - in honor of Jay and Conan - the spineless creature has been dubbed, the "Zuckerslug".