In The Noise - January 27, 2010

Great headline in today's L.A. Times

"If Tiger Woods is a sex addict, the treatment will be long and intense"

"Long and Intense", huh? Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?!?

Seriously, though. Tiger is reportedly undergoing therapeutic treatment at an addictions clinic in Mississippi.

I assume we're not talking group-grope therapy.

They say you can't be treated until you acknowledge there's a problem.

"Hi, I'm Tiger Woods and I'm a sex addict."

Oh, man, can you see how easy it would be to fake your way through this??

Change a couple letters and nobody would be the wiser...

..."Hi, I'm Tiger Woods and I'm a sex attic."

They say he's probably spending long days filled with lectures and the 12-step program every patient must endure. And patients must dress a certain way, address each other a certain way and, most importantly, can never touch another patient without permission.

Dress a certain way? Like no more leather and lace? Or no more Nike caps?

Well, I surely wish him a speedy recovery. I'd like to see him get back in the swing of things.

That's "swing" - not "swinger".

-----------------------------

From our "been there, done that" department.

On Monday, when the White House releases the proposed budget for next year, there will be no money for NASA's Constellation program - the one that was supposed to put man back on the moon.

The budget has been slashed. There will be no moon rockets, no lunar landers, no moon bases, no lunar program at all.

'Reminds me of a book I once read as a child: "Goodnight, Moon"

-----------------------------

Well, I suppose I must put in my two cents (or $499) on Apple's new product announcement.

Today, Steve Jobs unveiled a new device that's half-smartphone and half-computer...with a dash of feminine hygiene thrown into the mix.

I mean why else would they call it an iPad?

(Believe me, all of geekdom is guffawing at Apple's moniker for this device!)

But what gets me is that it looks like one of those crazy-huge TV remotes you see for sale at the drugstore - "As Seen on TV", you know?

Hmmm...drugstore. There's that feminine hygiene angle, again.

-----------------------------

I may be hearing things, but Reuters reports today that nearly one in ten seven- to eight-year-old children hear voices that aren't really there. That's according to a new study out of the Netherlands.

The scientist who ran the study says that parents whose children hear voices should not be overly concerned. "In most cases the voices will just disappear. I would advise parents to reassure their child and to watch him or her closely."

Good advice. If the voices don't disappear, the children might!

-----------------------------

You may remember that Universal Studios' theme park attraction, King Kong, burned down during the 2008 backlot fire. Well, it's coming back in the late Spring!

"After the 2008 fire, we knew we had to bring him back to the back lot studio tour, but in a way that has never been experienced before," a Universal spokesman said.

So a whole new 3-D Kong is being developed. (More 3-D? Before too long we're going to have to wear glasses from all the eye-strain of wearing...glasses!)

And, get this. You won't only see Kong in three dimensions but also smell his banana breath, feel the gust of wind as he jumps over the guests and sense the ground quake when the ape engages a T-rex in a life-or-death battle.

And that's not to mention the Kong PONG Finale (in 3-D, of course).

In The Noise - January 26, 2010

A show of hands, please. How many feel frustration, disdain or a feeling of being ripped-off by Ticketmaster?

I see...

Well! Ticketmaster and Live Nation have been given the go-ahead by the Justice Department to marry their companies, creating the largest greedy giant, ever, with its hands in every pocket of the music business - booking concerts, selling tickets and merchandise, and managing artists all under one roof.

In theory, we're told, this is not what you call, "monopoly".

Well, whatever it is, it's sure not "Trivial Pursuit". Maybe it's more like "Balderdash".

Or, "Sorry!"

-----------------------------

Here's an update on that old food safety axiom, "The Five-Second Rule".

You know, the old-wives-tale about how - if you drop your ice cream cone on the floor, you have five seconds to pick it up and wipe it off before the bacteria sail over to the ice cream, jump on board and ride it into your mouth like Johnny Depp and the Pirates of the Salmonella.

Well, the folks who write the food blog of the San Francisco Weekly have developed their own, unique flow chart based on experiments done by a couple of biology students from Connecticut College.

In these experiments, they dropped apple slices and Skittles candies on the ground and measured how long it took before the rapscallion bacteria pirates rendered it unsafe to eat. The students' conclusion was that the axiom could safely be renamed, "The 30-second Rule".

Another job for Viagra?

-----------------------------

So there was American Idol's newest judge, Ellen Degeneres, arriving for her first day of taping...feeling excited and nervous. She couldn't wait to get started. But wait she did...and wait...and wait. With no explanation, Simon Cowell was an hour and a half late!

Needless to say, Ellen was not a happy camper and the fur has begun to fly, yet again, on the American Idol set.

Well, maybe the rumors are only partly true...

...Daytime "soap operas" might be coming to an end...

...or they're just moving to primetime on FOX.

-----------------------------

Whoa! Things are getting messy North-of-the-Border.

The Canadian Federal Fisheries Minister, Gail Shea, was hit in the face with a pie by a seal hunt protester.

Apparently, the American animal-rights activist - a PETA member - who perpetrated the act, used tofu pie as his weapon. He was immediately arrested.

By the way, Minister Shea was not injured, and said she has not changed her support for the hunt.

But has acquired a taste for tofu.

-----------------------------

NASA's Martian rover, "Spirit" will rove no more. A space odyssey comes to an close. Or does it?

The little robot got its six wheels stuck in sand several months ago and two wheels no longer work at all.

But, wow, did Spirit live up to its name! It originally had a design life of three months - but ended up spending the past six years traveling nearly 12 miles across the barren surface of the Red Planet and finding strong evidence of water erosion on Mars.

However, although "Spirit" is stuck, NASA is not "pulling the plug". They plan to use "Rover" as a fixed, immobile scientific observatory.

"Sit, Rover. Stay. Good boy..."

In The Noise - January 25, 2010

Watch out "Avatar" and "Titanic", your Boffo Boxoffice may soon be Bonzo'd!

The world's first film shot entirely by chimpanzees is about to be released.

The apes created the movie using a specially designed chimp-proof camera given to them by primatologists as part of a scientific study into how chimpanzees perceive the world and each other.

The plot reportedly involves a far-off world full of blue-bottom orangutans. An army of mercenary chimps arrives from space with plans to steal the world's sacred "Rosanne" banana manna crop. The peace-loving blue-bottoms, defenseless and dumbfounded, can do nothing but stare at the invaders in total disbelief.

Coming soon to a theatre near you...

...The Planet of The Gapes.

-----------------------------

FOX is sending out the hounds for Conan O'Brien.

Come September 1st, when Conan can - by contract - reappear on the airwaves, be ready for a knock-down-drag-out three-way late-night show superbattle.

Word is that FOX wants to cut a deal with Conan ASAP.

Hopefully, they have finally figured out how to correctly do a late-night talk-show. I mean, we are talking about the network that brought us "The Chevy Chase Show" and The Joan Rivers Show"....

Here's a thought. Maybe Conan can convince FOX to sign a new sidekick for his show. One with a long-established reputation for "funny". One that Conan worked-with early in his career.

Homer Simpson.

-----------------------------

Meanwhile, in the other corners of the late-night ring...

...a booking war is heating up between Letterman and Leno!

Word is that Dave won't play ball with anyone who goes on Leno's 'Tonight Show' first, which means the celebrity-guest tug-of-war is soon to be underway.

What's going to happen when Conan joins the ménage à trois?

"Couch hopping" will take on a whole new meaning!

-----------------------------

A physics professor at Arizona University will tell a meeting at the Royal Society of London that the best way of proving that extra-terrestrial life exists elsewhere in the universe is to use evidence from earth.

The meeting, which will include representatives from NASA, the European Space Agency and the UN Office for Outer Space Affairs marks the 5th anniversary of the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence program.

There's a good use for our tax dollars.

(Of course, we haven't found intelligent life on Earth, yet, but that's beside the point.)

Anyway, this professor says we should focus on deserts, volcanic vents, salt-saturated lakes and the dry valleys of Antarctica - places where ordinary life struggles to survive.

Or maybe even more inhospitable locations, like Detroit.

In The Noise - January 21, 2010

This is good news but kind of puzzling...

A government report released yesterday says that wind energy could generate 20 percent of the electricity needed by households and businesses in the eastern half of the United States by 2024..but it would require up to $90 billion in investment.

With all the blowhards in Washington, 20 percent seems kind of low, don't you think?

-----------------------------

An iPhone app to translate a baby's cries and tell parents instantly what they mean has been made available.

Researchers discovered infants had five distinct, universal yells - regardless of language - indicating whether the tot is hungry, annoyed, tired, stressed or bored. The makers claim 96 per cent accuracy. But parenting experts believe the app could make people rely on technology, rather than parental instinct and experience (which is kind of creepy).

Anywho, what we now need is a "grown-up" app - to explain the opposite sex to us.

-----------------------------

Only in New Jersey.

Police have charged three people in connection with the fire that destroyed Loyle Lanes bowling alley last week, including the owner of a rival bowling alley.

Yep, the owner of Pike Lanes, was charged Tuesday with aggravated arson, aggravated "arson for hire" and "conspiracy to commit aggravated arson".

Police said, “We are continuing to investigate the motivation of the three individuals, and we are not going to elaborate on what physical evidence was discovered at the scene.”

What? Like a smelly old pair of rental bowling shoes??? Please, spare me the details.

-----------------------------

NASA today said it would begin soliciting public photo shoot suggestions for the cutting edge camera onboard its Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. Wow. This could be far out. Literally.

I guess the orbiter's High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment camera (or HiRISE - really!), is the most powerful camera ever to orbit another planet.

We Earthlings can view Mars maps using a new online tool called "HiWish" to see images already taken, check which targets already have been suggested and make new suggestions.

Let me think. What would I like to see on Mars?

Life-sized cardboard cutout of Obama? Kermit the Frog hanging out with a little green Martian?

Maybe one of those Venice gondoliers trying to pole his way down a Martian canal?

I know! A photo of the Mars rover next to a can of Alpo...

In The Noise - January 20, 2010

Everybody's making jokes about having to travel in the Los Angeles monsoon in arks, kayaks, canoes, ocean liners, aircraft carriers...

...but it's now gotten even worse. I just saw a Disneyland "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" submarine float by!!!

-----------------------------

Viral video of the day: a member of the U.K.'s women's Olympic bobsled team had a "wardrobe" malfunction" as she bent over to launch her sled. Brings a whole new meaning to the expression, "Let her rip!"

-----------------------------

$200,000 worth of Red Bull energy drink was reported missing today from a West Tennessee facility of the U.S. Navy.

I'd first check with the U.K. women's Olympic bobsled team.

-----------------------------

For the first time since Jan. 19, 1949, a mysterious person who for more than half a century has been marking Edgar Allen Poe's birthday by laying roses and a bottle of cognac at his grave site...did not show up!!

Is the "Poe Toaster" now Post Toastie???

-----------------------------

The Los Angeles City Council has unanimously voted to expand a smoking ban to outdoor dining areas.

Which happily leaves smokers with only...telephone booths (and when was the last time you saw one of those????).